letters to lovers

E- there was always a certain inequity in our relationship. i should have known better but i simply convinced myself that i was falling for you very, very slowly. despite all your grand gestures and dedication…and sacrifice and devotion..i could not reciprocate your affections. part of me was always convinced that everything you did had an ulterior motive of self-interest. so i acted ugly and hated both of us for me not knowing how to love you back. i want to apologize properly, but i do know that you’ll always blame me for what happened. that’s fine, everyone needs that person in their life at some point. 

A- Study abroad is a time to be daring and adventurous, at least that’s how i justified our romance. i allowed my life to collide with yours in a passionate, uninhibited way that was okay because i was taking a break from “real life”. you were handsome, charming, and so very french. our time together was movie-esque and it was refreshing to feel adrenaline rush through my veins again. you said weird intense things that never truly made sense in english, but you made me feel young, beautiful, and carefree. neither of us knew enough of the other’s language to have a true emotional connection but it never mattered because the relationship was inherently terminal. when i left france, we ended. that’s okay though, our romance will live on as some kind of lost weekend spent dancing in paris. 

J- we had a great, tragic love. i honestly believe we were right for each other at one point, but this swirl of anger, guilt, and sadness enveloped everything and eventually it crumbled. we could retrace everything that happened but you and i both know how redundant and futile that is. despite all my efforts to spare you from my destructive cycles, i ended up being cruel and disappointing. you inherited all the bitterness and i felt like i ruined you. things just kept getting uglier and i’m not sure if we ever “clicked” again. i’m so sorry; i really do wish the best for you.

G- it seems like every experience i’ve had since college has taught me that life is so much more complicated than i ever imagined. i used to listen to songs and wonder how anyone could have the emotional capacity to feel as much as they did. i never imagined that all of this would unfold so quickly, but everything feels so right. things have been so un-complicated with you. you don’t give me butterflies but there’s a certain stability to you that i feel comfortable relying on. romances tend to gravitate towards either emotional insanity or apathy, with my thoughts ricocheting back and forth. but not with you. no games, no guessing, a happy medium. real love isn’t rife with inequities. you’re my equal, we’re on the same page. it’s stable, unlike obsession, which is inherently erratic.

“You can date someone who’s right for you. They’ll have a normal clavicle, make sense year-round, been in love before, take care of you when you’re sick, be occasionally passive-aggressive, want kids, sometimes disappoint you, love you, hate you, love you again. You won’t worry about who’s the cuter one or who loves the other one more. It just won’t cross your mind, which is when you know the love has longevity.

The people you date aren’t necessarily the people you end up loving and that’s okay. There will be different kinds of people who enter your life at certain times. You date someone who hates you when you hate yourself. Afterwards, you date someone who loves you too much to make it all better. The goal is to eventually have your shit sorted out so you can love someone just because they’re lovely and make you happy. That’s it. I love you; you love me. The end.”

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